Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt

2. I CAN HAZ CAT PICTURES?

The internet is full of cats. I'm not sure why. I'm also not sure why they insist on terrible grammar and spelling practices, but I'm convinced that it is bad for the children of America. LISTEN UP SHEEPLE, IT'S TIME TO STAND UP TO THE INTERNET CAT CONSPIRACY.

3. ‘CALL ME MAYBE’ IS NOT CRAZY!

I've got a bone to pick with Carly Rae Jepsen and her endlessly catchy song "Call Me Maybe." I mean, everyone likes the song, okay, but has anyone actually ever stopped to REALLY THINK about the lyrics? No? Sounds like a job for Doof!

4. ONE DIRECTION: MOST LITERAL BAND NAME EVER

I have just one question for One Direction: what came first, the band name or the hair style? Seriously, I'm looking at you Harry Styles...

5. GANGNAM STYLE OR "OPEN QUANTUM STYLE" I'M NOT SURE

Hey guys, has anyone heard of this awesome song OPEN QUANTUM STYLE? I think it's going to be a hit!!! Some people insist it's spelled "Gangnam Style" but I'm pretty sure they are totally wrong.

6. HONEY BOO BOO, BACON AND THE APOCALYPSE

There are two things people are obsessed with that I don't understand: bacon and Honey Boo Boo. OK, well I understand the bacon...

7. INSTAGRAM BREAKFAST CEREAL

I'M BACK MINIONS! Yesterday, my daughter Vanessa introduced me to something called "INSTAGRAM" and I'm already convinced it is pretty much the worst thing ever! Here's why you should too…

8. THE DOOF REPLIES

So for this episode I decided to do things a little differently and reply to a few of my favorite comments. Prepare to have your minds blown, internet minions, because the Doof is about to reply to YOU. Well, maybe not "YOU" personally unless you're like one of the 4 people who I specifically responded to... I mean "YOU" in a more general sense -- but, wait -- you know what nevermind, you get the point.

9. THE CRUEL JOKE THAT IS 'PLATYPUS DAY'

So in further confirmation of my personal suspicion that THE UNIVERSE HATES ME this episode is dedicated to my dear nemesis Perry the Platypus. Because in the long list of things that deserve to be celebrated, secret agent platipi really rank up there above evil scientists. Wait, is that right? Platipi? Or is it platypuses? Platypieces? Hmm. Seriously I'm gonna go look that up, otherwise it's going to bug me for the rest of the day.

10. DR. DOOF VS. INTERNET MYSTERIES

The interwebs are full of all kinds of weird unknowns that people just ignore. Well, NO LONGER, in this groundbreaking exposé I'm going to tear the lid right off the internet crazy bin and reveal to you those dark questions that everyone is afraid to ask! PREPARE TO BE AMAZED AND EXCITED... or just confused.

11. IT'S PI DAY SO HERE ARE SOME NUMBERS

HAPPY PI DAY. But seriously... First a platypus gets a day, now an irrational mathematical construct gets one too? BUT I DON'T? What gives!

12. GOATS YELLING LIKE HUMANS YELLING LIKE DOOF

What's up with all these yelling goat videos? And more importantly, why are they totally hilarious? I dive into these and other burning existential questions in this weeks episode!

13. HARLEM SHAKE, JEFF GORDON, AND DIETS THAT MAKE NO SENSE

So what do the Harlem Shake, Jeff Gordon and fad diets all have in common? I have three words for you: Involuntary Dairy Discharge.

14. THE DOOF IS DUE

Okay, okay! I know i said i was only going to do 13 episodes, but I'm having wayyy too much fun. Anyways, I have a SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT to make that will totally shock, thrill and amaze you. Without saying too much, let me just tell you that I'm WAY OVERDUE for this…

15. DOOF'S HAUL 2013: SWAG, CELEBS, AND MISERY

I have discovered yet more evidence that modern civilization as we know it is over: HAUL VIDEOS. Hipster clothiers are the harbingers of the apocalypse.

16. BABY BIEBER FEVER

Listen up, internet! I have an announcement to make and it's SUPER IMPORTANT, so pay attention!